How To Stop Texting Your Ex To Create The Fear Of Loss
In today’s post I want to talk about how to stop from texting your ex after a breakup.
If you’ve read much relationship advice, you probably already know that one of the keys to getting your ex back is to go through a period of no contact immediately following a breakup. This period usually lasts 2-4 weeks and during that time you don’t make any contact with your ex…none, nada, zip!
There are many reasons to do this, but they basically boil down to giving yourself and your ex time to let the emotions from the breakup die down so you can act rationally and not do anything stupid. By staying out of contact, your ex has the opportunity to miss you and to get a taste of what he or she is losing.
The “fear of loss” is a very powerful psychological trigger as humans tend to take things for granted until they are gone.
Most importantly, no contact shows your ex that you are in control and not needy or desperate. You will never win your ex back by trying to beg and plead your way into his or her good graces.
In Text Your Ex Back, author and relationship expert Michael Fiore recommends a 30 day no contact period and says…
”Why 30 days? Because you’re a crazy person right now. You need to stop chasing your ex (even in your imagination) and spend time working on YOU to project the sexy confidence you need to get your ex back.”
Brad Browning, author of The Ex Factor, cites more scientific reasons for a period of no contact and says…
”Studies have proven why this 31-day mark is crucial. After about 3 weeks, your brain begins to reset itself on an emotional level. Now, I won’t say you’ll stop missing your ex completely after 3 weeks of no contact, but this is when your emotional side begins to tame a little and you begin to start thinking more rationally (how you normally would think and act).”
No contact is important, but it’s not easy. In fact, it’s probably one of the toughest battles you’ll face in the fight to get your ex back.
I absolutely understand the horrible anxiety that rushes through your body every time you miss your ex and that desperate craving you have to contact him or her. You have to resist that craving.
To help you, here are some tips on how to stop texting your ex.
How To Avoid Texting Your Ex
In an article on TheFrisky.com Amelia McDonell-Parry lists 6 ways she is able to resist texting, calling, or emailing when she wants to stay broken up. These are…
- Meditate and think about your ex’s worst qualities.
- Go shopping
- Identify your inner internet stalker
- Think about the consequences
I don’t agree 100% with everything Amelia says, but let me add my two cents. She makes some valid points, but keep in mind she is talking about how to avoid texting your ex when you want to stay broken up.
What I’m talking about is how to stop from texting your ex during an initial phase of no contact so that you can actually get back together with him or her down the road.
Self-love is all about understanding that you WANT your ex in your life, but you don’t NEED your ex in your life to be happy. Learn to be ok with or without your ex. Do something for yourself that you’ve been putting off for a while now.
Amelia talks about meditation in terms of thinking about your ex’s worst qualities. If you want to stay broken up, this works great because it reminds you of everything you hated about the relationship and why you should stay away from it.
However, if you want to get back together, I recommend keeping your thoughts positive. Negativity is toxic.
I think “go shopping” could be categorized under “distraction” so I’ll talk about these together. I think these are extremely important if you want to keep from texting your ex.
One of the worst things you can do is to barricade yourself inside your room replaying every moment of your relationship over and over again. Being alone with your thoughts and constantly thinking about your ex will make you want to text him or her that much more.
Instead, find things that can distract you. Personally I like active things that have both a mental and a physical aspect to them (like playing sports). However, you might find something like jig-saw puzzles or partaking in your favorite hobby might do the trick.
Whatever distraction you choose, just make sure you are busy. Don’t just sit around moping. If possible, do things around other people as you will be less likely to think about your ex if you have other people talking to you and interacting with you.
In terms of internet stalking, Amelia says…
” Maintaining digital contact with an ex often adds to the pain of a breakup, keeping the wound open and giving the mind a place to obsess. However, for some people, checking an ex’s Facebook or Twitter is a way to get a “fix” without actually making contact; for others, internet stalking is the last stop before a regrettable text is sent. Know which kind of internet stalker you are and act accordingly.”
In my opinion, checking up on your ex by looking at their Facebook or Twitter accounts almost always makes it harder to resist contacting them. My recommendation is, don’t do it.
Give your ex privacy and space. Besides, stalking (even internet stalking) is just creepy.
If you still can’t seem to stop texting your ex, then here are some additional ideas to help you…
Stay off Facebook, Twitter, Google +, etc. for a couple weeks (it’s not going to kill you).
Have a friend change your password and then make them promise not to tell you what it is until it’s been at least a couple weeks. Stop worrying about what your ex is doing and focus on yourself.
Put things that remind you of your ex out of sight.
You don’t have to go burn every picture you have of the two of you. Just put them away for a while so they don’t become constant reminders and distractions.
Remove your ex’s phone number from your phone.
Write it down (if you don’t have it memorized) so you can add it back in later, but lock it a way for a while.
Distract yourself mentally and physically.
Play sports, work out, or find another hobby you really love that can keep your mind focused on something other than your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend.
Plan a date with someone else.
It doesn’t have to be anything serious, but it’s a great way to boost your confidence and keep you from becoming best friends with Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Keep your phone turned off during the date.
Leave your phone at home.
I know you probably have a mild panic attack when you don’t have your phone with you, but it’s not going to hurt to go do something without it. If you can’t stop texting your ex, then make it impossible by leaving your phone at home.
Surround yourself with other people.
It can be friends, family, or a bunch of hobos from the street corner, but you’ll be much less likely to text your ex if you have other people fighting for your time and attention.
Try something new and challenging.
Challenging yourself will require more of you to be “in the moment” so you’ll spend less time thinking about texting your ex.
Deflect your thoughts.
If you find yourself thinking about your ex, immediately force yourself to think about something else. It may not be easy at first, but keep with it as it becomes much easier with a little bit of practice.
Keep a journal.
Whenever you are missing your ex, write down your feelings in a journal instead of texting him or her. Every minute you’re writing is a minute you aren’t sending a text. Plus, writing about your feelings is a great way to get things off your chest so they don’t build up and then explode like a nuclear bomb you can’t control.
Find a support group.
One reason I love the Michael Fiore Text Your Ex Back program is because the social features allow members to interact with one another.
If you feel like you’re going to cave to the pressure and text your ex, why not log into the member’s area first and get support from people who can help you get through the difficult times? Just being able to openly talk about things in a private setting can make a huge difference and can help curb your feelings of anxiety and desperation.
If I had just one tip to stop you from texting your ex, it would be, “Stay busy!” It’s ok to be sad and depressed. We all experience these emotions after a breakup.
However, don’t let these emotions control you. One of the worst things you can do is to withdraw yourself from everyone and everything.
The great thing about being human is you have choices. You can choose to sit at home being miserable with your thumb hovering over the “send” button, or you can choose to be the strong, confident, independent person that will ultimately draw your ex back to you.
Always have the mindset that you don’t NEED your ex to be happy. If you feel like you do, then you probably aren’t ready for a relationship with anyone.
See you in the next post,